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  • Writer's pictureMaddox

Why You Need to Stop Searching for "The One"

I spent more than 4 decades of my life searching for “The One”!

What that got me was a lot of loneliness and isolation… and, he never showed up… until he did.  But, that’s later in the story.

As long as you search, you will most likely not find “The One”.

Why?  Because you are not ready.  If you were, he/she would have already shown up.  Even if you did meet someone, it would have been what I lovingly refer to as one of the “practice balls you get at the bowling alley”.  Over the years, I’ve had lots of practice balls.  That’s not necessarily a bad thing.  With each relationship that wasn’t an idea match for me, I learned  about myself, life, and the world.  On some level the practice balls served me.  I just wish it hadn’t taken so long to get the lessons.

Here’s what my search looked like:

I trolled night clubs and bars for years, thinking I would meet him there.

I volunteered in places where I knew gay men would be.

I got involved in gay churches even though I’m not religious.

If I met you socially and you weren’t a potential sex partner or mate, my reaction was, “Get the hell out of my way!”  I had tunnel vision.  When I think about all the rich friendships I passed up, because all I could think about was a mate, it truly makes my heart hurt!

I was desperate and somewhat unhappy because I was single.  I look back now and can clearly see how unattractive that made me.  I can also see that I attracted men that were just as emotionally unhealthy as I was.

All of this is definitely NOT the art of being in community!!!

Here’s the way I believe this works.  Please don’t take my word for it.  But, please be open to exploring what I am sharing.  At this point, I can own that I possess some wisdom around this topic.

“In order to meet ‘The One’, I had to become the person that I was wanting to meet.”

How could I expect someone to truly love me, if I didn’t truly love myself?  We’ve all heard that “Like attracts like”.  You guessed it, it’s a real thing.

You have to intentionally define what it is that you want in a mate and then, you have to work to become that person.

Now, back to my story about more than 4 decades of searching.

There was a point when I stopped searching and got serious about becoming the man I would need to be to attract the man that I wanted to be with.  I spent 14 years being single after my last failed relationship.  During that time, I didn’t even date much.  I was completely focused on my work… my growth.

When I was truly ready, he showed up one day when I wasn’t even thinking about a mate.  I have never believed in “Love at first sight” until it happened to me.  We both knew right away that we wanted to be together, more than anything.  Not out of need, but out of desire.

In retrospect, I know that if he had shown up even as little as one week earlier, I would not have been ready.  His timing… the Universe’s timing was impeccable!

I guess I need to add that someone I am in community with introduced me to my love.  He’s also my partner in crime, Dwight.  We are the energy behind Authentic Friends & Adventures.

Here’s the moral to the story.

“Lose the tunnel vision, stop searching, and be in community.  Focus on the opportunities to build rich and meaningful friendships. Do your work, love yourself, and live in the moment.”

One last thought.  There is NOT just “One” person out of 8 billion on the planet.  There are multitudes of humans that could be your ideal mate.  Please stop limiting yourself by holding a belief that there is only one.

*** If you struggle with this issue and would like to explore how coaching could work for you, please contact us a



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